A Life, Forward: A Rowan Slone Novel Read online

  I frowned all the way back to the Anderson’s.

  AS WE drove the twenty minutes to the free clinic Jess was quiet in the seat beside me, her black hair washed and frizzy. She had on an old white sweatshirt with a hole in the sleeve and a pair of jeans that I’d only seen her wear once before—when she had the stomach flu and I’d brought her chicken soup. Jess didn’t do jeans but I guess today was different.

  A light, freezing rain pattered across the windshield. Even the bare trees seemed to buckle by the weight of the thick sky. It matched my mood perfectly and something told me it matched hers, too.

  “Are you okay?” When she didn’t respond, I raised my voice. “Jess? Are you okay?”

  Her chest rose and fell. She turned to me, her face lit brighter than a light bulb, almost as if she’d flipped a switch and her game face was on. “I’m great. Never better. I was just thinking of names.”

  I glanced at her again from the corner of my eye then turned my focus to the logging trucks taking up both lanes in front of me.

  Neither of us said anything the rest of the drive and soon we were at the clinic. The entrance was down a few steps leading into the basement of a square, brick building, darkened by years of dirt and pollution. Two dead plants sat on either side of the doorway as a rather somber welcoming.

  “Great place.” Jess threw open the door nearly hitting me in the head. “Very charming.”

  I rolled my eyes and followed her inside the windowless room. The air was stagnant and stale making me sneeze. Sickness hung in the air, along with the overpowering smell of antiseptic. It threatened to suffocate me, and I fell into the seat closest to the door while Jess went to check in.

  Soon she was in the seat beside me, popping her bubble gum, and staring down at a clipboard.

  “Do you want to come in with me?”

  “If you want me to, I will. But aren’t you going to, like, have to get undressed for this exam? Do you really want me in there?”

  She blew a big bubble and let it pop. “Good point. That’s okay. I thought I’d just have to pee on another stick, but I might get more than I bargained for.” She bent over the clipboard, running her pen down the numbers. “I don’t know any of this stuff. It’s ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to fill this out just so they can tell me my life is over.”

  “It’s not over. Don’t be a drama queen.” If she noticed the lack of conviction in my voice she didn’t say anything.

  “My God, what is wrong with those people?” Jess cringed as she stared across the room.

  A family took up the row across from us—what looked like a father, mother, and their three snotty, dirty children. The youngest kid cried nonstop, a croupy, congested awful sound that made me want to bathe in sanitizer.

  Jess picked at her cuticle and tiny chips of black nail polish fell onto the paper.

  “Jess.” I touched her arm. “It’ll be okay.”

  She watched the crying child and nodded, though something told me she didn’t agree with my statement. Instead of filling out the paperwork, she started pulling out single strands of hair and letting it mix in with the black chips of polish.

  “Jessica? Is there a Jessica here? There’s no last name given.” A thin, pasty-skinned woman stood in the doorway that led to the back. She wore faded pink scrubs and fanned her face with a yellow folder, looking as bored as I’d ever seen anyone look.

  “You didn’t give them your last name?” I asked Jess.

  She jumped up, clipboard firmly in hand, the papers as empty of her information as they were when she sat down. “Nope. This is a covert operation.”

  “Jessica…?” The nurse called again.

  I tugged at her sleeve. “You’d better go.”

  Suddenly that smile was back on her face. “Here!” She clomped across the room on heavy feet and bowed deeply to the bored nurse. “Jessica at your service.” She sailed through the door and disappeared down the corridor.

  One kid launched into an excruciatingly long cough that grated on my nerves worse than water torture. I pulled out homework, hoping for a distraction, but the kid’s brother started crying. The mother darted toward the counter for a tissue, but by the time she got back the kid was crying so hard that snot ran all over his face and into his mouth. I ran outside pulling in several gulps of the fresher air.

  I found a spot that wasn’t too dirty and sat on the curb. The wetness soaked through my jeans, although a wet butt was better than listening to the sick kids inside. The rain had stopped, but it was still cold and my fingertips numbed.

  My homework assignment had something to do with politics and the government and the U.S. role in the building of the Panama Canal, but no matter how many times I read the instructions, I couldn’t make my mind focus. Everything seemed to have turned upside down and spun around backward.

  I flipped to a clean sheet of paper in my notebook but it stayed pristine white, untainted. When my butt got too cold, I stood and started kicking at a crack in the concrete until Jess came out.

  “How’d it go?” I searched her face.

  She shrugged. “Good enough, I guess. They said I’m further along on this little journey than I thought.”

  “What do you mean further along?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. They don’t know what they’re talking about. I mean, I guess this pregnancy thing usually lasts nine months.”

  “That’s traditionally the case.”

  “Well, they said I’m already over four months along. Or whatever.”

  “So your due date is…” I calculated in my head but wanted to hear it from her.

  “May. Right before graduation.” There was no hiding it now. “I’m going to have to tell my dad. There won’t be any see ya after graduation then leaving before the baby comes.” She kicked at the same crack I’d been kicking. “Dammit.” Her eyes were bright and round. “What am I going to do? That bastard.” I didn’t know if she meant Paul or her dad. Maybe both. Then she burst into tears. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” The heel of her boot kicked at the concrete with each word. “Oh my God, Rowan, what am I going to do?”

  As much as I wanted to have the answers, I didn’t. “Did they talk to you about options?”

  “Yeah.” She strung the word out in a long breath. “Adoption. Which means I have the baby and give it away. Still no hiding that. Or abortion, but they said that’s not a good option because I’m so far along and I’m not eighteen so I’d need permission.”

  A woman with hair so long it fell past her waist was walking toward us with the lumbering walk of the heavily pregnant. We could hear her raspy, struggling breath before she even got to the entrance. Her stomach was so large and round surely she would topple forward any minute.

  I pulled open the door for her.

  “Thanks,” she whispered, as if the weight of the baby had taken even her voice.

  As the door shut behind her Jess said, “So that’s what I have to look forward to the rest of my senior year? People’s pity as I walk down the hallways like an enormous fool? Their judgment? And I have no idea how I’m going to pay for this. Go on welfare or something, I guess.”

  “What about Paul? I mean, he should help out in some way.”

  She wiped her eye with her shirtsleeve. “He’s changed his cell phone number. I don’t know how to get a hold of him.” She crumpled over into a ball on the sidewalk, her back shaking under my hand.

  I would kill Paul if I had the chance. How dare he do this? Maybe I’d try to find him. Maybe he would come to his senses and come back to help her. It was his child as well.

  But those weren’t words to say right now.

  “Is everything okay out here?” The nurse who had taken Jess back to the exam room popped her head out the door. “Jessica? Do you want to come back inside for a bit? We can have one of the nurses talk to you some more.”

  Without looking up, she shook her head.

  “I’ll take her home,” I said. “Thank you.”

 
“Okay. Jessica, take care of yourself and call one of those numbers if you need anything.”

  “What numbers?” I asked.

  Jess stood and dusted off her knees. “Just hotline numbers for this or that. Who knows?” She sighed—a heavy, shaking sound.

  “Let’s go.” I stepped off the sidewalk.

  “Okay.”

  On the way home, Jess closed her eyes. I couldn’t tell if she was asleep or not, but at least she wasn’t crying. I wished there was someone to talk to, to help give me answers. But there wasn’t anyone I could think of.

  THE ANDERSON’S house was black when we got back. I rushed inside to turn on some lights for the animals and then locked the door behind Jess. She dropped onto the couch without a word while I let the dogs outside and fed Scout.

  I hadn’t told her about seeing my dad, or seeing Trina doing drugs, or not wanting to talk to Mike. She had enough to think about without worrying about me.

  She didn’t say anything about dinner, and I didn’t feel like eating either, so I turned on the television and pet Levi’s head.

  After just a few minutes, Jess stood. “I think I’ll go on to bed. I’m exhausted.”

  “Okay.”

  She forced a smile and stumbled to the stairs. Levi followed her and they both stopped at the bottom. “Rowan?” She turned to me.

  I glanced at her over the back of the couch. “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.”

  I smiled. She forced another one and when her lip started to tremor, she rushed up the stairs. Levi sat there long after the door to my room clicked shut, like he was listening for sobs or snores. If he heard sobs, I had no doubt he would’ve gone up the stairs after her.

  “It’s okay, boy. She’ll be okay.” He looked at me, unblinking, like he knew I was lying; that no one knew if she would be okay. But finally he trotted over to me. Delilah lay at one end of the coach and watched Levi with sleepy, weary eyes, her flat, pink tongue hanging out from her lips. When Levi hopped up beside me, she lumbered to her feet and moved toward us, her weight pushing into the cushions.

  She pushed at Levi until he moved to my other side and soon I was sandwiched in-between two hot, furry bodies. They not only warmed my cold skin, but also my cold heart. Moments later, I pulled out my phone and called Mike.

  “Hey, Rowan! I was going to call you.” It was so nice to hear his voice I closed my eyes and let it wash over me.

  “How did the tournament go?” My words were bright, like little bursts from a sparkler.

  I think he answered but his voice was drowned out by the noise in the background.

  “You have to speak up,” I said. “I can’t hear you.”

  “Oh, sorry!” he yelled into the phone. “Just a minute.”

  The noise soared louder then suddenly dropped off completely. “Is that better?”

  “Where are you? It sounds like you’re at a party.”

  “I am. We won the tournament and one guy decided to have his fraternity throw us a party.”

  For some reason the world in front of me turned cloudy and overcast.

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. It was a great game. I scored a goal, and we beat the other team by two goals.”

  “Congratulations. That’s great.” If he noticed that my words sounded hollow, he didn’t say—probably because he started talking to someone who walked into the room instead of listening to me. It was a girl’s voice, and I fought to temper the tone of my words. “Who is that?”

  “Oh, just JJ’s girlfriend. She’s pretty cool. She had too much to drink, though, and wanted a place to lie down.”

  “Are you in a bedroom?” Little prickly jabs flooded over my skin. Maybe they came from inside me. Maybe they didn’t. Who knew? Mike was in a bedroom, away at college, with a girl who was drunk.

  “Is she there now?”

  “Yeah. I’m sitting in a chair, and she’s lying on the bed. I think she’s passed out.”

  “No, I’m not,” the girl called out.

  It took everything I had not to hang up on him. It didn’t sound like he was doing anything wrong, but something felt wrong. Very wrong indeed.

  “You’re obviously busy. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Hey, wait a minute.”

  My hand paused mid-pet on Levi’s head.

  “My parents are going to stay another couple of days if that’s okay with you.” Darkness seemed to descend all around me. “Mom is going to call you later to talk to you about it.”

  I swallowed. “No. That’s fine. Tell her not to call.” Suddenly, she was the last person I wanted to talk to, next to her son. “Tell her that’s fine. Jess is here with me. We are okay.”

  “Okay. I’ll let her know. Hey, listen. I gotta run. I’m going to give Natalie the room to herself. She’s not looking too hot. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  An influx of noise drowned out anything else he might want to say, or anything I might want to say to him. It sounded like the entire party had just moved into that bedroom. I hung up the phone without another word. Then I curled around my dog, Delilah’s warmth at my back, and let the hollowness surround me.

  THE NEXT morning I was in the kitchen filling my water bottle when Jess walked in. My backpack slid from my grasp and fell to the floor. “Um, Jess, what are you doing?”

  She sauntered into the room, twirled in front of me, and then struck a runway pose, all hips and arms and smiles. She was wearing a matching pink plaid skirt and jacket with a silk cream blouse, nude panty hose, and pumps. Her hair was pulled back into a severe ponytail; it looked like a shiny, black ball.

  “If I’m going to have a kid,” she struck another pose, “then I might as well start looking like a mom.”

  “You can’t wear that,” I sputtered. I’d seen that exact outfit on Mrs. Anderson the last time we went to church. “She wears those clothes.”

  “There’s a ton of stuff in her closet. She’ll never notice.”

  “But…but she will! She wore it two weeks ago!”

  Jess shrugged and twirled again. “Looks like we’ll have to go shopping. I need some new clothes.”

  “Okay…just don’t wear Mrs. A.’s in the meantime. Have you grown out of your clothes already?”

  “No. But you know…” She took the carton of milk out of the refrigerator. “I don’t know. Trying something new, I guess.”

  “Okay. Except you can’t try something new with her clothes.”

  She poured the milk into a tall glass, filling it all the way to the top so she had to bend over and sip it before she could pick it up.

  “Are you wearing her makeup, too?”

  Jess normally wore red lipstick and thick eyeliner behind her glasses. Today she had on soft peach lipstick, a light swipe of blush, and her contact lenses.

  She shrugged and lifted the glass. “I tried some on. You don’t have any so I had to go into her bathroom. She’s got tons of stuff! Not usually my style, but so much she won’t miss it.”

  “Jess.” I sighed. “Leave her stuff alone. You shouldn’t even go in there. Are you planning to come to school today or are you taking the day off again?”

  She put the milk back in the refrigerator. “Maybe I’ll go to the grocery store today. I’m starving. Seriously, I need some pickles or something.”

  “And ice cream?”

  She made a sour face. “Actually both sound awful. I’d love some fruit, though. Something melon-y.”

  “What about school?”

  She met my gaze. “Why? Why would I continue?”

  My mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”

  “Ro, what does it matter? I’m not going to college like you. I’m not going to be no veterinarian.”

  “Jess, get serious. You are half a year away from graduation. You don’t know you won’t ever want to go to college. You might change your mind.”

  I could tell she was trying not to unravel. She pulled at a piece of hair and watched me.

  “Come on. Go change. We
’ll take it one day at a time.”

  She fell into the chair and shook her head. Her lips moved but no sound came out of her mouth.

  I sat in the chair beside her. “Jess?”

  “What am I going to do when I start showing? What am I going to do with a baby?” Her shoulders hunched. “Everyone is going to know I got knocked up and the baby’s father left me.” She paused then whispered, “Damn him.”

  Damn him was right. Hatred tore through me as I watched my best friend fall apart.

  “What’s going to happen to me? To us?” She wiped her nose with her hand then closed her eyes.

  I rubbed her shoulder. “We’ll figure it out.” I neglected to say I had no idea how we would do that.

  Would we figure it out? There was little doubt her dad would kick her out of the house. Then where would she go? Especially with a baby?

  “Have you thought about…you know, adoption?”

  Her eyes were glazed over and I wasn’t sure she heard me. After several minutes her lips moved. It took another moment before any words came out. “I guess. I mean, yeah. I’ve thought about it. I keep thinking Paul is going to return and whisk us away.”

  My heart shattered into a thousand pieces as I watched her, lost and afraid, stare out the Anderson’s back window. From the look on her face it was a dark place where her thoughts hovered.

  “Have you heard from him?”

  She shook her head.

  “Maybe you should start thinking about adoption. In case…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

  “In case he never returns.”

  My heart broke a little bit more when she said those words.

  I glanced at the clock, desperate to pull us out of the place we were in. “Come on. Let’s go to school. You can’t stay here alone today.” I stood and held out my hand.

  She shook her head. “I can’t. I just can’t.” She stood and walked out of the room, Mrs. Anderson’s shoes clacking along the way.

  I stayed at the table, staring out at the backyard until I realized I was going to be late again. I ran out the door and made it a few minutes after the tardy bell.